[ He'd said the same to Jim on discovering his service to his world, and is equal parts surprised and satisfied to discover for himself how warming it is to hear. ]
You weren't okay with me having my soul pushed out of my body at 39. If I told you I encouraged my child to take in the spirits of the dead at five years old - don't worry though, the kid almost never freaked out - you'd be okay with that?
[ Maybe this isn't the most sensitive way to unpack somebody's unrecognized childhood trauma, but he's ?? dumbfounded. ]
Family history makes it alright to induct children into potentially unsafe supernatural practices long before they're able to really understand what's happening?
[ If he doesn't realise how deeply concerning what he's saying is, it isn't Stephen's place to get het up and force the issue. Especially not over text. ]
[ Thoughts bleed from words to speech here. It's too sensitive to hide it behind voicelessness. ]
You were a child. Nobody's parent should bring them up to believe they were born for other people's benefit, whether that's the truth or a helpful device to ensure they'd always do as they were told or a mix of the two.
You shouldn't have been in that position at that age.
[This is the second conversation about his childhood that Iggy has had recently, both negative, but he's more likely to listen to Stephen than Billy freaking Hargrove.]
I... don't really know what to say to that. I can't imagine growing up any other way. Can you understand that?
In every universe I've visited or witnessed, the version of myself who inhabits it has suffered similar injuries and ended up a sorcerer tasked with the protection of his world. That's not coincidence.
[ He believes in fate to the extent that he's seen it at work. To the extent that it exists. But - ]
My fate was played out in the choices I made and the inevitability of their consequences. Yours was dictated to you by your mother.
I understand that it's how you were raised. I don't think that means you should accept it without question.
I left, you know. I insisted on going to a real high school, and it was terrible, but I stuck it out, and after I graduated I told my parents I wanted to go to art school. I wasn't supposed to - I was supposed to stay with the church. Oh, my mom was so upset. I almost gave in, but... I left. I left, and I made it entirely on my own. A lot of what I learned growing up with the grieving makes me very good at my job, and I put myself through school by helping people in a different way.
But now here I am. And you know the people I find myself closest to? Necromancers, and people who died. I spent years pretending I couldn't see them or hear them, and now they mean everything to me.
I don't know how else to interpret that besides God having a plan for me.
Maybe that's what it is. Higher power or not, that's fate as I experienced it. Your choices. Your nature informed by your life, informing your life. You found your way on your own, as you always would have done to wherever you were going to end up. With or without her input.
She had no business invoking fate to control you. You were a child, and there was plenty of time. God's plan never absolved her of her responsibility to keep you safe, and it sounds like starting too early pushed you away from what called to you, not toward it.
Edited (adds a little extra ~flourish~) 2023-12-27 20:49 (UTC)
She kept me safe. Please don't think she didn't. My mom is just about the most caring, kindest person alive. She just... She was raised in it too, you know? It's an honour and a responsibility.
I guess... maybe. I feel bad about it, now, like she was right all along.
I never wanted to stop helping people, though. Even here, it's all I really want to do. I like to think I do.
[ God knows knowing there's somewhere he can go before things ever get bad again is solace enough, but Iggy's been kind on top of that. Made knowing it easy. How many others has he shown the same kindness and more? ]
You and she were looking at the world through a different lens, I know that. But your life is yours. We each find our way to our duty and our purpose in our own time. You don't need to feel bad for that.
I'm sure the people you've helped since taking your own path would be glad that you did if they'd known what it took for you to be there.
Yeah? [The relief is palpable. He might actually cry with it, a little.] Thank you.
I really do try. I know I'm not perfect, and I don't expect any acknowledgement, I really don't. But it's awfully nice to hear, all the same. I care about people a whole lot. Too much, probably.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Any time.
Maybe so. Your mom couldn't do it herself?
How old was old enough?
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altho time isn't linear so I guess you're doing it right now in a cosmic sense or whatever.
no.
uhhh gosh I think five?
[Which is too young. Way too young. But he has absolutely no concept of this as it's all he ever known.]
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[ God. He can't help the emphasis, even unvoiced. Thought's in strange order now, responding to the surprise, then trying to draw himself back -]
It's the day job, I'll definitely be doing it again. But I appreciate the sentiment. [ But he can't help but cycle back to - ] You were a child.
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uhm
yeah?
you don't sound particularly okay with it but like it's okay I almost never freaked out, my mom taught me how to relax.
(cw: inferences to perceived child abuse whoops )
[ Maybe this isn't the most sensitive way to unpack somebody's unrecognized childhood trauma, but he's ?? dumbfounded. ]
cw: just all the child trauma
and no of course not but that's you, you don't have a family history of this stuff.
cw: let's just keep that last one running for the foreseeable lksdfkj
yeeeeah
it's just like
it's our calling, that's what mom always said. I was created to help people.
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I don't think we should keep speaking about this.
[ If he doesn't realise how deeply concerning what he's saying is, it isn't Stephen's place to get het up and force the issue. Especially not over text. ]
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[Because of course that's his immediate response: to assume blame.]
I'm really sorry.
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[ Not quite true. But isn't his reaction damning in itself? ]
I'm upset for you.
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You were a child. Nobody's parent should bring them up to believe they were born for other people's benefit, whether that's the truth or a helpful device to ensure they'd always do as they were told or a mix of the two.
You shouldn't have been in that position at that age.
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I... don't really know what to say to that. I can't imagine growing up any other way. Can you understand that?
You don't believe in fate, I guess.
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[ He believes in fate to the extent that he's seen it at work. To the extent that it exists. But - ]
My fate was played out in the choices I made and the inevitability of their consequences. Yours was dictated to you by your mother.
I understand that it's how you were raised. I don't think that means you should accept it without question.
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I left, you know. I insisted on going to a real high school, and it was terrible, but I stuck it out, and after I graduated I told my parents I wanted to go to art school. I wasn't supposed to - I was supposed to stay with the church. Oh, my mom was so upset. I almost gave in, but... I left. I left, and I made it entirely on my own. A lot of what I learned growing up with the grieving makes me very good at my job, and I put myself through school by helping people in a different way.
But now here I am. And you know the people I find myself closest to? Necromancers, and people who died. I spent years pretending I couldn't see them or hear them, and now they mean everything to me.
I don't know how else to interpret that besides God having a plan for me.
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She had no business invoking fate to control you. You were a child, and there was plenty of time. God's plan never absolved her of her responsibility to keep you safe, and it sounds like starting too early pushed you away from what called to you, not toward it.
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She kept me safe. Please don't think she didn't. My mom is just about the most caring, kindest person alive. She just... She was raised in it too, you know? It's an honour and a responsibility.
I guess... maybe. I feel bad about it, now, like she was right all along.
I never wanted to stop helping people, though. Even here, it's all I really want to do. I like to think I do.
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[ God knows knowing there's somewhere he can go before things ever get bad again is solace enough, but Iggy's been kind on top of that. Made knowing it easy. How many others has he shown the same kindness and more? ]
You and she were looking at the world through a different lens, I know that. But your life is yours. We each find our way to our duty and our purpose in our own time. You don't need to feel bad for that.
I'm sure the people you've helped since taking your own path would be glad that you did if they'd known what it took for you to be there.
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I really do try. I know I'm not perfect, and I don't expect any acknowledgement, I really don't. But it's awfully nice to hear, all the same. I care about people a whole lot. Too much, probably.
That includes you, you realise.
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I might have noticed. [ Somewhere in the earnestness of their conversations. ] You do a good job. I hope you're proud of that.
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But seriously, then you. I hope you know if you ever need me for anything, I'll help you. You've been nice to me.
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If you ever need magical intervention, offer's open in return.
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